Some children are born with a tendency to be anxious or depressed. Sometimes these tendencies are so strong that they manifest as negative thoughts, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, phobias, or anxious behaviors that are difficult for parents to deal with. Let’s start, as always, with our three big ideas—regulate, connect, and coach, not control. First, if we can see the tight knot of fear and anxiety that we have around our child’s problems, we can loosen it and give ourselves and our child a breathing space to change. Second, if we can work to stay connected to our child, that sense of security will do more to alleviate the child’s symptoms than anything else we can try. For example, research suggests that responsive parenting can make the difference between a shy child becoming a leader or an introvert. Third, and finally, coaching, not controlling, is about thinking creatively and finding the outside support we need to meet this unique challenge. In some cases, professional intervention is necessary. In other cases, our child simply needs a little extra help from us to get past the fear barrier in order to meet her age-appropriate developmental milestones. How does this happen?

When Morgan started kindergarten, she would cling to her mother every morning, howling so loudly that she could hear it all over the school. Her teaching assistant worked hard to communicate with her, until Morgan finally let her mother go that morning, though never without tears. Morgan shadowed her teacher all day long. At home, she was afraid of bugs, of falling into the bathtub drain, of washing her hair, of the dog in the fenced-in yard. She seemed to be a natural perfectionist, insisting on doing things the best way possible, and crying if she felt criticized. It would take her ages to fall asleep, clinging to her parents if they tried to leave the room, and then she would wake up again and again, screaming for a parent to lie down next to her. Her parents, both light sleepers, took turns on the night shift, with one of them awake most of the night.

While Morgan may have experienced some trauma early in life, it’s also likely that she was simply born with a mild tendency to be anxious. She’s not cut out to star in the school play or even tell a joke at the school lunch table. But that doesn’t mean she can’t have a happy childhood, close friends, and a good life. Morgan may remain a little anxious throughout her life, but her parents can help her learn to manage her anxiety. Parents of an anxious child can help by:

* Teaching her to notice her anxiety and calm herself down.

* Teaching her to recognize and express her own feelings (since bottling up emotions can cause anxiety).

* Teaching her social skills.

* Teaching her relaxation skills.

* Helping her gain confidence in achieving something real.

* Helping her overcome fear by taking on physical challenges.

* Reducing stress in her life.

Morgan’s parents began using relaxation exercises with her every night to help her relax. They set aside time for rough and tumble play each day to help her gain body confidence. In the meantime, they played games that made her laugh about separation, perfection, and control. Finally, they decided to get to work helping their daughter unburden herself of her rampant fears, and they started with sleep.

First, they helped her relieve some of her sleep anxiety by playing around with the problem. Her father would pretend to fall asleep on the couch, then wake up terrified that he was alone. Morgan would laugh hysterically, telling him not to act like a baby, and her father would try different variations of his game as long as Morgan kept laughing. One time, Morgan put her father (in bed) on the couch, telling him she knew he could sleep alone, while her father begged her to stay, and Morgan giggled.

A few weeks later, Morgan’s parents chose a weekend free of obligations and explained that they would help her fall asleep on her own and sleep in bed alone. Morgan’s anxiety escalated into full-blown panic. She cried, screamed, thrashed, hit, wrestled, and hid under the bed. Her parents helped each other stay calm and patient, reminding each other that they did not mean to traumatize their daughter, but rather to help her work through her old, deep, crippling fear. When it was time for bed, they put Morgan to bed, reassuring her that they would always keep her safe and that they knew she could sleep on her own. Yet her mother did not actually leave the room when her father did. Instead, she held her through the ensuing meltdown. As Morgan began to settle down, her mother kissed her goodbye and got up to leave—at which point Morgan cried even more, clinging to her mother. Finally, after four hours of crying, shaking, and sweating, Morgan told her mother she could leave, as long as she promised to return if she called. That night, for the first time in her life, Morgan slept through the night. The next night, the process was repeated, but it only lasted half an hour. Soon, Morgan was falling asleep on her own and sleeping through the night.

Is this sleep training? It might be more accurate to say that Morgan had difficulty separating from her parents to get to sleep and stay asleep, and her parents helped her release and dispel the fears that were causing her separation anxiety. Notice that they never let her cry alone. They announced that they were leaving, and then helped their daughter deal with her fearful response. Often, anxiety—or, in other words, fear—is at the heart of children’s sleep problems. While it’s okay for a four-year-old to share a bed with her parents, four-year-olds are perfectly capable of sleeping on their own once they get some help in dealing with their fears.

Is this a success story? Sure. But the best part is that Morgan has become more relaxed overall, and some of her other fears have gone away on their own. Fear has a way of spreading far beyond its source. When we give our anxious children a chance to get past the old terrors in their bodies, we help them develop greater courage and freedom in all other areas of their lives.

Action Tips

“The change in my daughter [since she started accepting her feelings] has been phenomenal. She has become extremely thoughtful and cooperative. We still have bad days, but the tantrums are gone! I’ve learned that if she’s upset about something, she has a right to be upset – I just have to step back (take a deep breath) and let her cry for five minutes, then she’ll crawl into my lap, we’ll hug each other, and we’ll move on with our day. It takes about the same amount of time as a full-blown tantrum, but it’s much less intense, and it doesn’t leave us feeling angry and upset.”

- Renette, mother of a 4-year-old

Are you ready for emotional coaching? Take a deep breath, and prepare as much calm as you can. Then summon as much compassion as you can, to provide your child with a safe environment to feel those uncomfortable emotions. Once they feel them, they will evaporate. Over time, being friends with their emotions will allow them to recognize and regulate them. Simple recipe, right? Well, yes, but it’s not easy. The action tips in this section will help you hone your emotional coaching skills.