Middle childhood... is a time of cognitive creativity and great ambition, when the brain approaches adult size and can focus on assembling the threads of its internal network—that is, organizing, amplifying, and analyzing the tens of billions of synapses that allow brain cells to communicate. - Natalie Angier

Around age six, the adrenal glands begin flooding the brain with dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) and other hormones, marking the onset of adrenal prime, or middle childhood. The accompanying changes in the brain are associated with a huge leap forward in logic, including the ability to control emotional impulses, plan, and evaluate consequences. These abilities will continue to mature into adulthood, but by age six, a child is significantly better able to use logical reasoning to manage themselves than they were before. While the brain stops developing, the nervous system retains its plasticity, orienting itself toward learning of all kinds: reading, math, languages, physical skills, values, and even habits. As the brain transitions from growth to self-regulation, a child acquires the self-control and determination skills they need to pursue goals that matter to them. Although their interests will evolve and change throughout their teenage years, their confidence in exploring and mastering their passions is now developing. These are also the years when children learn the joys of contribution and independence, taking on responsibilities and age-appropriate forms of self-care. Ages five to nine are when children begin to see themselves as capable of mastery. See how parents can build on the scaffolding practices we use from infancy to encourage the development of a sense of mastery in school-age children.

1. Model. The lessons in emotional self-management and "how to do things" that you've been modeling from the beginning are now more complex, as the skills your child has clearly learned increase in complexity, from how to decline a social invitation to how to do chores...

What do values ​​have to do with mastery? Values ​​shape how we view the world and how we interact in it. These include things we cherish, such as spiritual teachings, and qualities we believe are important to possess, such as honesty. Certain values—such as a love of learning, listening to our inner guide, hard work, perseverance, curiosity, and playfulness—directly contribute to the development of a sense of mastery. Our children learn values ​​by observing what we do and coming to conclusions about what we believe is important in life. Regardless of what we consciously teach our child, she will understand and shape her values ​​based on what she sees us doing. If you tell her that soccer is about fun, skills, practice, and teamwork (all attributes of mastery), but your first question is always about who won the game, she will learn that winning is what truly matters.

2. Provide tools and strategies. The self-discipline the brain is capable of in middle childhood makes this an ideal time to help a child develop habits and strategies they will use throughout their life. Consider both routines—doing homework and writing thank-you notes—and ways of being, such as perseverance in the face of adversity, exploring with curiosity, and looking at the world with an optimistic outlook. These habits all contribute to mastery.

3. Sequencing. (We'll have a snack first, then do homework, then you can play outside, just like every day. We always finish our work before we play.) In addition to helping children learn self-regulation and establish productive habits, sequencing helps them develop executive functioning skills, which involve planning, maintaining order, following through, and completing a task according to certain standards. Some people are born with greater abilities in these skills, but routines and other forms of sequencing help children hone this ability.

4. Supporting Emotional Regulation. While tantrums often fade and are forgotten as children progress through elementary school, we can help them sharpen their self-regulation by engaging their higher brain functions. Consider how this might work with Zach, who has just started second grade and is finding it increasingly difficult to complete his homework. He resists sitting down to do it and often ends up yelling or crying. Some experts recommend that parents simply withdraw from this power struggle and give the child the responsibility of completing the teacher's assignments. But Zach's parents believe he needs help managing whatever emotions are causing his outbursts so he can engage in his studies. Withdrawal will only help if he is left alone without support. Using the tools mentioned in the Emotional Training chapter, they intensified their playful interactions with him over the weekend to build his trust. Then, on Monday, when Dad repeatedly suggested that Zach start doing his homework and Zach continued to resist, Dad playfully teased him, saying, "Come over here. You never do the homework. Boy, we'll look into this!" Finally, Dad looked his son in the eye and announced, gently but firmly, "Okay, Zach. We're done playing. It's time to sit down and start doing the homework." Zack burst into angry tears. His father stayed with Zack as he yelled that homework was stupid, that his teacher was stupid, and that his dad was stupid. When Zack lashed out at his father, he said, “Slow down, buddy. I don’t want those strong hands near my face. Come on, I’ll give you mine to push away.” Zack protested, “I don’t want your hands!” He struggled to push them away. Finally, Zack collapsed in his father’s arms, sobbing. Five minutes later, he looked up and said, “Dad, I can’t do that homework. I’m just stupid!” Whether Zack needed glasses or some extra help learning to read, his homework problem was on the way to being solved. Most importantly, he’d learned how to deal with the emotions that hold every child back from time to time.

Over time, they will become comfortable with their feelings to the point where they can let them flow, overcome conflict, and face their fears. Facing our fears is essential for problem-solving and gaining the emotional confidence needed for mastery.

5. Reminders. Because we see our children as capable of so much more, we expect more of them. Therefore, we often become frustrated by our constant need for reminders. Keep in mind that there is no reason for our child to share our priorities. We know that teeth need to be brushed every day, but at any given moment, their schedule will have ten competing priorities that are more attractive and more urgent to them. If you have a child who develops habits easily, you may not need to remind them about routine tasks like brushing their teeth or hanging up their jacket, but you will also find them less flexible when it comes to change. What about most children? They need patient reminders for a long time until their habits become ingrained. Since it's part of your job title, you should find a way to accept and enjoy it, rather than resent it.