We were really puzzled because for many years we have been teaching style adaptation with great enthusiasm, and we have seen employees whose relationships have improved permanently because of this approach, and many have told us about the amazing developments in their previously difficult work relationships, and others have talked about the powerful effect this approach had on their relationships with their wives and children, and there is no doubt that style adaptation was a powerful tool.

What surprised us was the increasing realization that some of those who practiced style adaptation succeeded in improving their relationships, so we immediately studied this problem.

Here is what we found. Although style adaptation is a very useful method for bridging the gap between different styles of people, this method in itself is not enough to create fruitful relationships.

There are other factors that affect relationships. For example, during our study we learned how important it is to treat a person in the way he wants, and this is the basis of constructive relationships. For style adaptation or any other method for improving relationships to be effective - it must be based on this foundation.

The foundation of good relationships

The Golden Rule is a wonderfully integrated set of many of the community's knowledge about human behavior. For example, a cleric in the first century AD faced a fundamental problem facing his people, as the righteous of his time were trying to adhere to dozens of commandments, prohibitions and orders, and it was impossible for the average person to remember all of these commandments, let alone obey them. The solution that Hillel came up with was to summarize all of these commandments in an eloquent phrase: (Do not treat your neighbor with what you hate, this is the whole law, and all the rest is only an interpretation of it).

This principle of human behavior is very useful; as there is a huge cultural diversity, and in fact the Golden Rule can be found in one form or another in all the major religions of the world.

Christianity: Whatever you do to others that others can do to you, affects you as it affects them; because this is the law and the book

Islam: None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. Sunnah.

It is clear that those who hold any of these different beliefs will necessarily come to the same conclusion about dealing with others, and the Golden Rule is as close to being a universal guide to behaviour as you will see. Yet many people wonder whether this ancient rule of conduct is an effective guide in today’s tough business environment. Fortunately, it has been field-tested in many industries and consistently delivered high performance. J. S. Penney, who founded one of the nation’s largest retail chains, made it a core operating principle for his company. “The golden rule will always be golden,” he always said. Worthington’s manufacturing philosophy can be summed up in one sentence: “We treat our customers, employees, investors, and suppliers the way we want to be treated.” Ewing Kaufman, chairman of Marion Labor Trees, built one of the fastest-growing and most profitable pharmaceutical companies by strictly applying the golden rule. When asked about the secret of how he applied it to his company’s management, he said, “It’s good business practice.” The success of Mary K. Ash Cosmetics during its first two decades astonished business analysts and competitors. She ran her company through what she referred to as “golden rule management.” One of the oldest and most famous commandments in the world for dealing with people works wonders in today’s complex business world.

What does everyone really want to be treated like?

To gain a clearer understanding of how to apply the Golden Rule to contemporary business relationships, we asked thousands of participants in our People Style workshops to list the ways they want to be treated. We were amazed to find that in workshop after workshop, they often gave us the same answers, and the answers were the first words out of their mouths: People like to be treated with:

- Respect

- Fairness

- Honesty

We then observed those leaders who were role models for building strong business relationships, and we found that they displayed high levels of these traits. Conversely, we found that executives who were experiencing troubled business relationships were often severely lacking in at least one of these traits. In our workshops, we began to focus on the importance of these traits, and participants found that they were the foundations of constructive business relationships—especially lasting relationships.

We have researched the meanings of fairness, honesty, and respect in the relationships of individuals, and here is what we have found:

Respect

Respect is essential to building lasting and constructive relationships, and perhaps this is what has led many successful business leaders to say that respecting others is a good deal. As former IBM Chairman Thomas Watson Jr. explained, his company’s approach to managing people was based on “the simple belief that if we respect our employees, and help them respect themselves, this will undoubtedly benefit the company.”

Respect is based on the fact that the individual is a human being first and foremost, and respect is expressed through polite speech free of arrogance and haughtiness and through good manners that inspire reassurance in their souls. The best thing to say about respect is that it is the outward expression of the meaning of the friendliness hidden in the soul.

Because the other individual is a human being

Sometimes people are surprised when you tell them that they need to show respect to those they work with, and some of them object by saying: (The person must deserve my respect), and since few employees adhere to these high standards for such people; They often neglect the rights of most of those they know, and often ignore anyone who does not adhere to these standards, and treat them with contempt and disdain because, despite everything, they do not deserve their respect. The respect we are talking about here is not related to competence or lack thereof, and there is no doubt that it is necessary to confront the poor Performance If confrontation and training do not yield the desired results in performance, this may require dismissing the employee. However, even when talking about poor performance, it is necessary to treat them with dignity.

Conversation without contempt

Respect - or lack thereof - is transmitted to others through the way you talk to them. It is not strange for employees to feel contempt from others through the way they talk.

In the story (The Honest Clerk) written by T. S. Eliot, Elizabeth says to her husband Claude:

(It is very strange, but this is the first time I have talked to you without feeling my extreme foolishness. You have always made me feel that I am not worthy of talking to you)

Claude replies: (As for you, you made me feel that your interests are much deeper than you can discuss with me).

What Claude and Elizabeth experienced at home often happens at work. There are certain ways of speaking and listening that feel disrespectful, and other ways that feel respectful. When someone else is talking to you, give them your full attention, and when you are talking, show appreciation for the other without looking down on them or looking down on them. A person who is highly flexible is able to express his rejection without showing disrespect for the person or their ideas.

Good manners

What people usually refer to as good manners is in fact a cultural standard for the accepted ways of dealing with each other. By defining appropriate behavior in different situations, it is possible through this cultural concept to communicate more easily and efficiently. When we greet our colleague in the morning: we do not have to think about what we say or do, but we can limit ourselves to the traditional greeting: (How are you today), and the person you are talking to will know that you are not asking him to give you a complete medical report about his health or a detailed analysis of his psychological state, and thus he will respond: (Fine, how are you?) and will not add anything more than that. Starting a simple conversation is the best way to start daily work.

Cultural norms are a prerequisite for consistent social behavior. Without agreement on how to deal with others, we cannot run a business or any other type of organization. These cultural norms are much more important than most of us realize when we are raised to say thank you to those who give us holiday gifts. These cultural norms for dealing with people make conversations psychologically safer, which is another reason why good manners are important. Psychologists have discovered that humans are very sensitive psychologically, and you may know this personally from your own experiences. However, even the most practical people can feel belittled, monopolized, disregarded, disdainful, rejected, and hated by others. We do not need to mention how bitter these feelings are, or how seriously they affect productivity. “When you study the cultural norms of social interaction, you find that their primary function is to protect people from being overly sensitive,” says Dr. Edgar Schein, an organizational psychologist. “Knowing what’s socially appropriate helps people feel a very basic level of emotional trust.” As Jonathan Swift, author of Gulliver’s Travels, points out, “Good manners are the art of making people feel secure and not anxious.” So the person who makes the fewest employees anxious is the one who has the best manners in the company. What we mean by this is that when someone is being rude to someone else, that person tends to feel anxious and emotionally hurt. If this happens repeatedly, the other person will be less likely to help the rude person succeed, which is why bad manners are a losing proposition.

There is no doubt that there are behaviors that offend good morals, and the author Dorothy Parker said: (Those who have mastered the art of social etiquette and who never make mistakes. They will reach a stage of extreme boredom), when a person's behaviors are abstract formalities, they will not be of much use in building vital relationships with others.

The motive behind any action usually appears in the behavior itself, as there is a big difference between mere politeness and true politeness, as politeness combines knowledge of social norms and sincere consideration for the feelings of others, as it is a subtle and creative way to express kindness in the face of the ebb and flow of daily life, and respectful and gracious behavior towards others is (the outer cloak of kindness).

Justice

When we asked employees about how they want others to treat them, the word (justly) was the first thing they uttered, and treating them justly means fairness, and without any bias against them.

Unfortunately, there is no consensus on what is fair. What seems fair to some people is often dictated by their circumstances, and people of good character may differ substantially on the amount of a fair salary when one person is a union member and the other is an official in the same company. Although it is not possible to determine what is absolutely fair in any situation, there are two questions that will help you be reasonably fair in your dealings with others. First, ask yourself whether you are using the “win-win” approach. In most situations and circumstances, it is appropriate for everyone to seek to gain, but there is a common belief that in order for one person to gain, another must lose. Therefore, the “win-win” approach requires a change in thinking. Instead of “you” or “me,” the focus is on “you and me.” The person who adopts this approach seeks to achieve results that are beneficial to all parties. After you have reached what you believe is a method that satisfies everyone, you can test its suitability by asking yourself another question, as Immanuel Kant taught us. The philosopher and moralist asks us to test our behavior by asking: “Am I satisfied to be treated as I am treated?” If we assume that you are able to know what is fair in a given situation, you still have to act on it, and this is often not easy because it means rising above your own interests.