Want to raise an emotionally intelligent child and wondering where to start?

Start by using these basic steps with your child on a daily basis, then we’ll talk about what to do when emotions take over.

1. Acknowledge your child’s perspective and empathize. You don’t have to “fix” whatever is bothering your child, but you do have to empathize. We all know that feeling of satisfaction when people acknowledge our opinion, which somehow makes it easier to not get what you want. It’s hard to stop playing and sit down to dinner, but it’s time.

2. Allow for emotional expression, even when you set limits. Your child’s feelings are valid. What he or she needs from you is coaching on how to best express them. “You’re mad because your brother broke your toy, but we’re not allowed to hit. Come on, I’ll help you tell him or her how you feel.”

3. Respond to the needs and feelings behind the behavior. “Naughty” behavior indicates strong emotions or unmet needs. If you don’t address the feelings and needs, they will simply explode later, causing other delinquent behaviors. So instead of scolding a child who is misbehaving or slacking off, you can say, “You’re having a hard time this morning. The start of school was fun, but you miss spending time with Mommy. I’ll pick you up after school, and we’ll cuddle and play and have a good time, okay?”

4. When a wish can’t be fulfilled, acknowledge it and fulfill it through “wish fulfillment.” It’s amazing how much you can get out of a jam by granting your child a wish through imagination. Partly because it shows them that you really care about what they want. But there’s another great reason. In fact, imagining our wishes coming true satisfies us in the moment, which means that our brains would literally be satisfied if we were given a brain scan! Granting your child a wish through imagination takes some of the urgency out of it, making them more open to alternatives. You wish you could have a cookie. I bet you could eat ten of these right now, wouldn’t that be so delicious?!” Then find a way to meet her deeper need: “I think you’re hungry. Dinner’s almost here, but I hear you can’t wait. Let’s find a healthy snack that will make your body feel better.”

 5. Tell a story so your child can understand her emotional experience. When our child is overwhelmed by emotions, her actions come from the right side of her brain. We need to acknowledge and feel those emotions, or they will take over. So, the first step in emotional coaching is always to empathize with our child’s feelings. But then we need to help her engage the logical, left side of her brain, too. This helps her process what’s happening, so she doesn’t simply feel at the mercy of the emotions that are overwhelming her to do so. Name the feelings (“You’re so frustrated”), and tell stories: “Yes, that’s true… When we went to the dentist, you were scared at first and wouldn’t open your mouth… But you took my hand and were so brave, and the dentist said, ‘You’re doing a great job brushing your teeth!’”

6. Teach your child to solve problems. Emotions are messages, not solutions to wallow in. Often, once children feel their emotions are understood and accepted, they lose their charge and begin to subside.

This opens up the space for problem solving. Sometimes children can do this on their own. Other times, they need our help to spark their ideas. But resist the urge to solve the problem for your child, as this sends the message that you don’t trust her to handle it on her own. How disappointed you were that Chloe couldn’t come because she was sick. “You were really looking forward to playing with her. When you’re ready, maybe we can work together and come up with ideas for something else we both find fun.”

7. Make a game of it. Play is how children process their experiences. Most of the problems your child has can be helped by play. Behavior regulation can help: (“You’re Superman today! What a tough kid you are! Can you help me push the shopping cart carefully through the aisles?”). But when you see a negative pattern developing, play is often the best therapy: (“Let’s play Bye Bye… You see, Mommy always comes back!”). (See Bye Bye and other emotional processing games.)