Parents spend a lot of time and energy trying to shape and change a child's behavior. Many approaches to education and teaching etiquette, such as punishment, reward, detention, or depriving the child of his privileges and possessions, constitute attempts to control what the child does.

However, there is a more effective way. The child wants to relate and he needs a sense of belonging and importance. However, since he is a young and unskilled boy, we find that he does not always understand how to get what he needs in a positive way. So, he depends on what seems to work and that could mean anything if you're a little kid.

Beliefs behind behavior at work

Imagine the following scenario to better understand the importance of discovering the beliefs that underlie your son's behavior. Kim is a busy mom, as she runs her business from her home and often has to spend long time talking on the phone. This does not bother Kim, but it does not seem to always suit her four-year-old son, Timothy. Timothy needs a sense of belonging and connection with his mother just as little boys his age do, and when she's four years old and an only boy, that means undivided attention.

One morning, the phone rang and Kim sat down with her notebook to talk to one of her clients. Timothy, who was happily building a castle, turned to her and sighed, as if to say, "Not again." But Timothy knows how to get his mom's attention.

He wept, saying, “I want some juice.”

"Shhh, honey," Kim whispered. "I'm on the phone." Then she said to the person she was talking to on the phone, "Wait a minute, please. It's my little boy." Turning to him, she said impatiently: "You know where the juice boxes are, Timothy. Go get one yourself."

Kim returns to her call while Timothy wanders into the kitchen. He takes a carton of juice from the fridge but... manages to spill half of it as he puts the straw into the small hole. When his mother saw the mess he had made, Timothy looked at her innocently and put the can in the puddle of juice, then began drawing shapes with the juice on the kitchen floor.

Deal with beliefs before behavior

What should Kim do? Misconduct is an invitation to search for solutions. Timothy seems to think he's important to his mom when he gets her exclusive attention, and Kim is most effective when she plans for these discouraging moments.

1- Kim sits down with Timothy and tells him that she needs to spend some time on the phone for her work. She reminds him that her job allows her to stay home with him, which is important to her, and asks him to help her (children can be cooperative and creative when we ask them to give us their ideas, or they can talk to us when we tell them to obey).

2- Kim asks Timothy if he has any ideas of what he might do when she has to make a call. Timothy ponders the question and then suggests that they prepare a "phone bag" like the one they use for car trips. Kim agrees, and they bring together a bag of small, inexpensive toys and books that are only used when Mama is on the phone.

3- Kim decides to set limits for customers' contact times and to inform them of her working hours. She realizes that finding a balance between work time and family time will help Timothy feel more secure. She also agrees with Timothy to allocate half an hour a day to be their special time together... time to communicate, talk and play together.

4- Kim and Timothy also agree to allocate a drawer for snacks where Timothy can get healthy foods when his mom is too busy to get them for him. However, when the drawer is empty, Timothy does not get any other snacks during the day, and it is up to Timothy to choose when to eat them. He soon realizes that when his mom says he won't get any more she means it and learns to make it last longer.

5- Kim and Timothy also use the kitchen clock to help Timothy learn patience. When Kim makes a call, she sets the clock to the time she thinks she needs to call her. She asks Timothy to hold the watch and when it rings he comes to remind his mom that she should end her call and spend some time with him.

Will these thoughts stop Timothy from sobbing and begging his mother to turn to him? Well, maybe for a while. These insights deal with the beliefs and feelings that underlie Timothy's behavior and will help him learn to cooperate with his mother, but Timothy and Kim will need to have many more similar conversations in the years to come. Researching the beliefs behind your son's behavior will help you be a calmer and more effective parent.